[BL] Dear Hushand, I want divorce-Chapter 132: Goddamn feelings

Noah’s heart pounded in his chest as he finally let the words escape his lips, the confession he’d been holding in for so long. "I...I like you, Ryder. And since we’ve been together for so long, we’re...we’re dating, right?"

He stood there, looking at Ryder, waiting for a sign, anything that would confirm the connection he thought they shared. But instead of the warmth or reassurance he longed for, he saw Ryder’s face twist in disbelief.

Ryder blinked at him, almost like he hadn’t understood the words, and then...he laughed. It wasn’t the hearty, confident laugh Noah was used to, but an awkward, strained chuckle. "What are you talking about, Noah? Dating?" His voice was laced with confusion, maybe even a bit of discomfort.

Noah felt his stomach drop. The floor beneath him might as well have disappeared. What are you talking about? His heart stopped for a moment, and he couldn’t quite breathe.

Ryder shook his head, still smiling that awkward smile, his expression not matching the words he just heard. "Noah, we—" He paused as if searching for the right words, but none came. Noah’s lips parted to say something, but no sound came out. It was as if the world had turned mute.

And then, suddenly, the sharp buzz of Ryder’s phone shattered the heavy silence. Ryder glanced at the screen, his face instantly hardening. "I have to take this," he muttered, his voice low, but Noah could barely hear him over the pounding in his own ears.

He watched in disbelief as Ryder stepped away, answering the call. There was a sense of urgency in the way Ryder spoke, something about needing to leave. Noah blinked, his voice finally finding its way back to him, weak and uncertain. "Ryder, wait—"

But Ryder was already at the door, grabbing his jacket and keys, barely sparing Noah another glance. "I’ll...I’ll see you later, okay?" Ryder tossed over his shoulder, the words so casual, like they meant nothing, like everything was still the same.

Noah took a step forward, his hand reaching out as if he could stop him, as if he could pull Ryder back, make him face the conversation they weren’t having. "Ryder, wait...can we—"

The door clicked shut before Noah could finish, leaving him standing there, his hand still slightly raised, the room feeling colder, emptier without Ryder in it.

For a moment, Noah just stood there, staring at the door, his mind a mess of confusion and hurt. His heart, which had been so full of hope only minutes ago, now felt like it was breaking apart, piece by piece. He felt a wave of nausea roll over him, his mind replaying Ryder’s words, the awkward laugh, the disbelief in his eyes.

Dating?

He swallowed hard, his throat suddenly dry. He’d thought they were on the same page. He’d thought...they were something more. The dinners, the time spent together, the way Ryder looked at him sometimes, like Noah was the only person in the world who mattered—how could that not mean something? How could they not be more?

Noah’s legs felt weak, and he leaned against the wall for support, running a shaky hand through his hair. His chest tightened, and his heart ached with a dull, growing pain. The realization hit him slowly, painfully. frёeωebɳovel.com

Are we not dating? He asked himself over and over. His mind raced with memories—of them laughing together, their late-night talks, the way Ryder kissed him, touched him, as if there was something deeper there. But maybe... maybe it had all been in his head. Maybe Ryder didn’t feel the same.

Noah let out a shaky breath, closing his eyes as a wave of sadness washed over him. What did Ryder mean by all of this? Had he misread everything? His chest tightened even more, and suddenly, the apartment that had felt so warm and alive moments ago now felt cold and suffocating.

The silence in the room pressed in on him, and Noah hugged his arms around himself, trying to hold back the sting of tears. He couldn’t shake the feeling of emptiness settling in, the fear that Ryder...didn’t see them the way he did.

He didn’t know what to do, what to feel. All he could do was stand there, staring at the door, the uncertainty gnawing at him.

What are we?

The question echoed in his mind, louder and louder. And no matter how hard he tried to push it away, it wouldn’t leave.

◾◾◾

Ryder had never seen Elijah like this before. The normally composed man was sitting at the bar, disheveled and drunk, his face buried in his hands. Empty bottles littered the table in front of him, and it was clear Elijah had been drinking heavily for hours. His usual air of power and control had vanished, replaced with a broken shell of a man, haunted by something deeper than Ryder could immediately understand.

"Elijah?" Ryder’s voice was low, cautious. He had never seen him so undone, and it unnerved him. Elijah lifted his head slightly, his bloodshot eyes meeting Ryder’s. The hollow look in his gaze sent a chill down Ryder’s spine.

"Are you...okay?" Ryder asked, though the answer was painfully obvious.

Elijah let out a bitter laugh, the sound sharp and empty. "Do I look okay to you?" His voice was raw, like it had been clawed out of him. He ran a hand through his unkempt hair, his jaw clenched tight. "I need him to tell me where Ash is, Ryder. I need to know. I don’t care what you have to do—make Noah tell you. Anything." His voice cracked, the desperation hanging heavy between them.

Ryder stiffened. He didn’t like the idea of involving Noah in this, but seeing Elijah like this made it hard to refuse. He had never seen him so desperate and so broken. Elijah, the man who commanded entire rooms, the man who struck fear into anyone who crossed him, was now begging for something Ryder wasn’t sure he could deliver.

"I don’t know if Noah will talk, Elijah," Ryder said carefully, weighing his words. He could still feel the tension from their last conversation, the moment Noah had confessed his feelings. Feelings, Ryder thought, a bitter taste rising in his throat.

Elijah just stared at him, his eyes dull and filled with pain. "Make him talk," he muttered, his words slurring from the alcohol. "Do whatever it takes."

Ryder shifted uncomfortably. He knew Elijah’s desperation, but this wasn’t something Noah would just give up. Especially not now. Not after Ryder had run off without saying a word, leaving Noah with questions—questions Ryder wasn’t ready to answer.

Feelings. God, he hated them. They ruined everything.

Ryder’s mind flashed back to Noah, standing in the kitchen with that anxious smile, his eyes wide and hopeful when he’d asked that question: We’re dating, right?

The moment Noah had said those words, Ryder had felt like the ground was crumbling beneath him. *Dating?* He had never signed up for that. He had never wanted that. All he had wanted was fun, a way to blow off steam. Noah was sexy, and their chemistry was off the charts—Ryder couldn’t deny that. But a relationship? No. That wasn’t what he had bargained for.

Feelings are pathetic. Ryder told himself, clenching his jaw. Feelings made people weak, just like they had made Elijah weak. They complicated everything, tangled people up in things they couldn’t control. He had never wanted more than a physical connection with Noah, but now...now he wasn’t so sure what they had. Sure, Noah was more than just some random hookup. Ryder couldn’t deny that Noah was special to him in a way that no one else had been.

But love? Commitment? It terrified him. He had never loved anyone before, never allowed himself to. He wasn’t built for it. He had always thought of himself as a guy who could walk away from anything and anyone. But with Noah...something had changed.

Had he led Noah on? Had he let things get too far without making his intentions clear? Yes, they spent time together outside of sex, going on dates, laughing, talking about everything, but Ryder never thought Noah would take it seriously. Friends with benefits didn’t get attached, didn’t expect more than what was given. But maybe, deep down, he had known that Noah would. Maybe he had known, and he just didn’t want to stop it.

Goddamn it, he cursed silently. How had he let it get this far?

He could still remember the look on Noah’s face when he had asked, the vulnerability in his voice, the way he had smiled anxiously, waiting for Ryder’s confirmation. Ryder had been frozen in that moment, not knowing what to say, and instead of dealing with it, he had left. He had run, like the coward he was when it came to these things.

Now he was stuck. What was he supposed to do? Was it too late to break things off with Noah? To go back to how things were before? A part of him knew that it was too late. He had crossed a line. Noah had confessed his feelings, and there was no taking that back. If he ended things now, it would destroy him.

But maybe...maybe that was better. Maybe it was better to break Noah’s heart now than let things fester. Let him believe in something that Ryder wasn’t capable of giving. He didn’t want love, didn’t want the mess that came with it. He had to be clear with Noah, for both their sakes.

But could he do it?

Ryder stared at Elijah, who was now swirling the last of his drink in his glass, lost in his own world of pain. This is what happens when you let feelings in, Ryder thought bitterly. You end up broken, desperate, and dependent on something that can never truly be yours.

No. He couldn’t let that happen to him.

"I’ll talk to Noah," Ryder said finally, his voice firm. Elijah glanced at him, his eyes still clouded with despair. "I’ll get him to tell me where Ash is."

But Ryder’s thoughts were far from Elijah’s request. His mind was tangled in knots over Noah, over what he had to do. He would ask Noah, just like Elijah wanted. But after that, he had to make a choice.

Feelings are messy, destructive, and they only ended in heartbreak. He couldn’t let himself fall for Noah. He couldn’t let Noah fall for him any deeper than he already had.

It was time to end things before it was too late. Before he lost himself to the very thing he feared most.