Steel, Explosives, and Spellcasters-Chapter 954 - 34: The Hunt (Part 5)_2

Chapter 954: Chapter 34: The Hunt (Part 5)_2

“The goal might have been achieved,” Winters said pensively, his feelings resembling those of a chess player who’s been led step by step to a winning game, “but I… I always feel like I’ve lost.”

Anna, playing with Winters’ hair, burst out laughing, “Is it that competitive male pride again? Like a puppy scrambling for a bone, not satisfied with just its own, needing to snatch the other’s to be happy.”

Winters wanted to retort but couldn’t think of a way, so he sulkily defended himself, “I didn’t let the White Lion steal my bone! And I’m not upset about the bone.”

“There, there, I believe that no one could beat you when it comes to snatching bones,” Anna continued, rinsing his hair, “And I believe that even though you think you’ve lost now, one day you’ll surpass him. So…what are you unhappy about?”

Winters’ mood plummeted again and he muttered, “Nothing.”

Anna, sensing the change in Winters, encouraged him, “But you saved your comrades, didn’t you? Isn’t that a reason to be happy?”

Hearing Anna’s praise, Winters felt a need to clarify, “If the White Lion didn’t lie, then ‘those who fell into the hands of the Red River Tribe’ and ‘those the Red River Tribe could buy’ have already left the wasteland. Others are slaves in other tribes that deeply oppose the Red River Tribe, and even the White Lion is helpless, though he promised to help redeem them as much as possible. That’s pretty much the situation…”

The more Winters explained, the quieter Anna became, until she finally stopped speaking or moving altogether.

“I don’t understand…” Anna asked with a mixture of pity, “Why do you intentionally belittle yourself? You deliberately avoid the word ‘save’ and the word ‘comrades’—you’re purposely distancing yourself from those you’ve rescued.”

“I’m not intentionally avoiding them,” Winters struggled to explain, “The term ‘save’ is too severe, and as for ‘comrades’…”

He paused, exhaling wearily, “I don’t even know if I’m still one of their comrades.”

“You did a good thing.” Anna kissed his cheek, “And you did it better than many people. Many more powerful people did nothing. Many who should’ve taken responsibility did nothing. When you tried to do something, you were more honorable than all of them.”

Winters turned to face Anna, “You are really kind.”

Anna feigned anger, “You only realize that now?”

“But I’m not as good as you think,” Winters said calmly, his eyes filled with pain, “Do you really want to understand me?”

“Of course,” Anna felt a twinge of unease, “What is it?”

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“Alright, I’ll tell you.” Winters took a deep breath, gathering immense courage, for the first time voicing the most hidden, dark thoughts of his deepest self, “Actually, I’m not noble at all.”

“Today at the Red River Tribe’s palace tent, I realized a fact when I saw that list—there wasn’t a single person on there that I know, they probably don’t know me either.

It was at that moment, I suddenly couldn’t understand why I should ‘save’ them? Save a bunch of strangers?

I would save my subordinates because I have an emotional bond with them. They entrust their lives to me, and I must fulfill my responsibility.

But the others? They don’t know me, and I don’t know them. Why should I save them?

Just because we fought in the same army? Ha, that’s hardly a sufficient reason.

So, I can’t help but doubt, am I really ‘saving’ them? Am I really doing it to ‘save’ them?

Or is it to use them? To sweeten them up so they’d owe me their lives, and then use them for revenge against those who owe me.

Or maybe it’s for self-gratification? To satisfy my vanity of wanting to be a savior? To satisfy my desire to be thanked, to be admired, to be praised?

Or even possibly a spur of the moment? Just doing it because it felt right at the time?

Ha ha, who knows?

You say I am more noble than many, but when I scour my heart, I can’t find any noble motives, only selfishness, baseness, and cruelty…”

Winters let out all the built-up frustration in his chest, vented without holding back, even shocking himself with his recklessness.

“What will Anna think after hearing this? Will she detest me?” Every time he thought about this, it felt as though a sword was piercing his heart.

How could someone not feel disgust after seeing another person’s darkest side?

But there was some sort of self-destructive urge driving him to keep going.

He was like a self-harmer, cruelly flaying himself open, prying apart his ribs, and extracting the dirtiest part to show the other person, telling them: “Look, this is who I am, are you disappointed?”

When Winters eventually fell silent, Anna’s eyes were brimming with tears.

“You said you wanted to understand me.” Winters asked softly, “Do you understand me now?”

“I understand you, but you don’t understand yourself,” Anna said, her eyes red, insistently, “You saved them because you are kind-hearted.”

Winters let out a deep sigh and gently rubbed Anna’s cheek, “Your sister was right, you really are a fool blinded by love.”