[BL] Dear Hushand, I want divorce-Chapter 90: Lost again

Ash’s pov ;

Sitting on the edge of the couch, I stared blankly at the floor because the sound of Elijah’s crying was still painfully echoing in my head.

My heart felt heavy with guilt and the overwhelming longing to run to his side and hug him tightly. But I couldn’t do it at that time.

Noah’s voice broke through the silence. "Ash...is this really your final decision?"

I looked up at him, my vision blurred with unshed tears. I nodded, even though it felt like I was tearing myself apart. "If I stay, I’ll keep remembering...I’ll keep remembering that I’m the reason Elijah’s parents are dead. How can I stay after that?"

His gaze softened, sympathy etched into his features. "But leaving...you know it’ll break him, right? He loves you, Ash. If it was past I would have agreed with your decision but after seeing him crying for you like that–"

I shook my head, my heart tightening whenever I remembered his pleadings. "N-Noah...how can he love me after all this? How can he look at me without hating me?"

Noah didn’t respond immediately, and I could see the struggle in his eyes. He was trying to find the right words, something that would make sense of this mess. But nothing could. Nothing would ever make this okay.

"I don’t want to leave him," I admitted, my voice trembling. "I don’t want to walk away and never see him again. But I can’t stay here, Noah. I can’t stay and watch him suffer because of me. Because every time he looks at me, he’ll remember. He’ll remember what I did."

Noah’s sigh was heavy as he cupped my face. "Ash, I don’t think he thinks like that. Just talk to him buddy. He’s hurting, yes, but don’t you think he’d hurt more if you left? If you just disappeared?"

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out the pain. "I know...But he deserves better than this. Better than me."

And then there was a long pause. I couldn’t bring myself to say more, couldn’t articulate the crushing guilt that had settled in my chest, or the fear that if I stayed, I would only make things worse for him.

A few hours had passed since Elijah had left, but his screams and cries still rang in my ears, each one a dagger to my heart. When he had first come back, I’d hidden out on the balcony, hoping he wouldn’t find me, hoping I wouldn’t have to face him. But I could still hear him, and every cry tore at the fragile resolve I was barely holding onto.

"I’m a coward," I muttered, more to myself than to anyone else, repeating Elijah’s words. "I’m a coward for leaving him, for not facing this. But if I stay, I’ll destroy him, Noah. I’ll destroy everything he has left."

Noah placed a hand on my shoulder. "You’re not a coward, Ash. You’re just...trying to do what you think is right. But running away doesn’t always make things better."

I knew he was right. Deep down, I knew that leaving would only hurt Elijah more, that it would tear him apart in ways I couldn’t even imagine. But staying...staying felt impossible.

I bit down on my lip, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill over. "I just...I don’t want to be the reason he suffers."

"And leaving will hurt him too," Noah pointed out, his voice firm but kind. "Maybe even more than you staying."

I looked at him, feeling completely lost. The decision felt impossible—stay and continue to hurt Elijah with my presence, or leave and break both our hearts in the process. But deep down, I knew that no matter what I chose, the pain would be unbearable.

"I...I don’t know what to do," I admitted at last.

Noah didn’t have an answer this time, and I didn’t expect him to. This was something I had to figure out on my own, no matter how much it hurt. I just wished there was a way to make it all go away, to undo everything that had happened, to take back the pain I’d caused Elijah. But I couldn’t. All I could do was decide whether to stay and face the consequences, or leave and hope that someday, Elijah could heal without me.

But one thing was certain—I was losing him, and the thought of that loss was more than I could bear.

I slumped back against the couch. How did it all come to this? How did everything get so damn complicated? Life...life just felt like one cruel joke after another. Every time I thought I could breathe, every time I thought I could find some semblance of peace, something would tear it all apart.

"Life...it’s so fucking unfair," I muttered, staring at my trembling hands. "No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want to make things right, it just keeps throwing shit at you. And when you think you’ve hit rock bottom, it digs the hole even deeper."

I shook my head, trying to make sense of the chaos that was my life. "I thought...I thought if I just worked hard enough, if I just kept pushing forward, things would get better. But it never does, does it? It just gets worse. One bad thing after another, piling up until you can’t even see straight anymore."

Noah didn’t say anything, but I could feel his eyes on me, watching as I unravelled.

"I never wanted to hurt anyone, you know?" I continued. "I just...I just wanted to make something of myself. I wanted to be someone, to prove that I wasn’t just some worthless kid with a messed-up past. But life...life doesn’t care about that. It doesn’t care how much you want something. It just takes and takes until there’s nothing left."

I swallowed hard, the lump in my throat making it difficult to speak. "And now...now I’m losing the only thing that ever made me feel like I mattered. I’m losing E-Elijah, and it’s all my fault. Life gave me this one thing, this one person who may have hurt me a lot in the past but made me feel like I wasn’t completely worthless in the present, and now it’s taking him away too."

I clenched my fists, the anger and frustration boiling over. "How is that fair? How is any of this fair? Why does it feel like no matter what I do, no matter how much I try to do the right thing, I just end up hurting everyone around me? What kind of sick joke is this?"

I was so tired—tired of fighting, tired of pretending that I’m not a murderer, tired of the endless cycle of pain and regret.

"I’m just so damn tired, Noah," I whispered as my chest ached. "Tired of trying to outrun the past, tired of pretending that I’m okay, tired of this life that just keeps kicking me when I’m down. It’s like...no matter what I do, I’m always destined to fail. To lose. And now...now I’m losing the only thing that ever mattered."

I looked up at Noah, my vision blurry with unshed tears. He gave me a sympathetic look. "How am I s-supposed to keep going when everything I touch falls apart? How am I supposed to stay...when I’m the reason Elijah’s life is ruined? Life...life isn’t just unfair. It’s a fucking nightmare that I can’t...wake up from."

Life has never been kind to me. And now, it felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff, with nothing left to hold onto, nothing to keep me from falling.

But the cruellest part? The part that made it all so unbearable? The fact that in the midst of all this mess, in the middle of this never-ending nightmare, I had found something—someone—worth living for. And now, life was taking him away too.

"Maybe...maybe it’s better this way," I said, wiping my tears. "Maybe it’s better if I just...let go. Let him go. Because if I stay... if I stay, all I’m going to do is drag him down with me."

But even as I said the words, even as I tried to convince myself that leaving was the right thing to do, a part of me rebelled against the idea. A part of me couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing Elijah again.

"Life is fucking unfair," I repeated. "It gives you a taste of something good, something real, and then it rips it away before you can even hold onto it. And I...I don’t know if I can take it anymore, Noah. I don’t know if I can...keep living like this, always one s-step away from losing everything."

I looked at him, pleading for some kind of answer, some kind of reassurance that this wasn’t all for nothing, that there was a way out of this darkness. But I knew there wasn’t. There never had been. Life had always been a struggle, a battle I was never meant to win.

And today, I lost once again against this so-called life.