[BL] Dear Hushand, I want divorce-Chapter 136: Is it love or not?

Ryder stood outside Noah’s door, his chest tight as the last conversation clung to him like an invisible chain. Noah’s tear-streaked face wouldn’t leave his mind. He could still hear the sharp slap, feel the sting of Noah’s words as he was thrown out of his life.

Why does it hurt so much? Ryder’s thoughts were in disarray. There was no reason for him to feel this way—no reason for his chest to ache the way it did. He hadn’t lied to Noah. He had told the truth, hadn’t he? They were just two people who happened to enjoy each other’s company without the need for labels, for all the mess that feelings brought. What was wrong with that?

He clenched his jaw. Is it so necessary to label every feeling and moment? What they had was special—more than just sex, more than the empty hookups. But that didn’t mean it had to be something defined by words like ’love’ or ’relationship.’ Why ruin something by giving it a name that would only complicate things?

Yet, despite his rationalizations, Noah’s broken face kept flashing through his mind, and every time it did, it felt like someone was stabbing his heart with needles. A soft, painful throb that wouldn’t go away.

Ryder hadn’t been raised to deal with feelings like this. As a child, he had never been taught what love was supposed to be. His parents—if you could even call them that—had only ever shown him that emotions were tools, something to use to get what you wanted from people. They had taught him how to manipulate feelings, how to bet on them, how to extract value from others by leveraging their emotions.

But love? Affection? Attachment? Those were words Ryder had never truly known the meaning of.

He learned early on that people who were supposed to love you the most could leave you without a second thought. No matter how much you gave, no matter how hard you loved them, they would still go. His parents had been prime examples of that. They left him in more ways than one, physically and emotionally. And in their absence, he’d learned quickly how useless feelings could be.

The stronger your feelings for someone, the weaker you became. He had seen it time and time again—people consumed by their emotions, becoming shadows of their former selves because they had loved too deeply, given too much. Ryder promised himself he would never be like that. He would never let anyone have that kind of power over him.

Feelings were a curse. The moment you named them, the moment you gave them importance, they would start to rot everything from the inside out.

But Noah...Ryder exhaled heavily, rubbing his temples. Noah is different. Noah wasn’t just a casual fling. He had never expected to feel this way, to have Noah occupy so much space in his mind. But that didn’t mean he had to love him, right? What was wrong with what they had? Why did it need to be something more?

In Ryder’s world, emotions were best left unnamed. That way, they couldn’t grow into something that could destroy you. If you left them as they were, free and undefined, they would never get cursed by the expectations that came with labels like love or commitment.

He had done what he thought was best. He’d kept Noah at a distance, made sure things stayed on the right side of casual. But somewhere along the way, Noah had slipped past his defenses, started to mean more to him than just someone to share a bed with.

And now, everything was ruined.

Ryder leaned against the wall, closing his eyes. Noah’s face flashed through his mind again—those wide, tear-filled eyes, the tremble in his voice, the way his heart had shattered in front of him.

And Ryder felt...regret.

For the first time in years, he wished he could turn back the clock, say something different, do something different. But even then, would it matter? Could he ever be the kind of person Noah wanted him to be? Could he ever let himself love someone like that, without the fear that it would all fall apart one day?

He doubted it. freёnovelkiss.com

But this pain, this strange, gnawing ache in his chest—it was unfamiliar, and it scared him.

Maybe this is what I get for letting him in, Ryder thought bitterly. Maybe this is why feelings are better left unspoken.

But even as he told himself that, he couldn’t ignore the sharp sting that came with the thought of never seeing Noah again.

And that was the worst part. Because, despite everything, he didn’t want to lose him.

_______

Ryder stumbled out of the bar, the harsh sting of whiskey still burning down his throat. He’d been drinking for hours since he walked out of Noah’s apartment.

It’s not like I don’t like Noah... The words circled in his head, over and over, refusing to leave him alone. But could I really call this love?

He wasn’t sure. He had never been sure. He didn’t know how to give these feelings a name—he never had to before. He liked Noah—there was no denying that—but love?

Love was a word that terrified him.

But now, with Noah...things were different.

He wanted Noah. He wanted to keep what they had, the easy, uncomplicated connection they shared. He liked the way they could be together without having to label it, without the pressure of defining what it meant. But that wasn’t enough for Noah. Noah wanted more. Noah wanted words, feelings, love. And Ryder wasn’t sure if he could give that to him.

He pulled out his phone, his fingers trembling slightly as he dialed Noah’s number. He wasn’t sure what he would say, but he needed to hear his voice. He needed to fix this, somehow.

The phone rang, once, twice—then a cold, automated voice: "The number you are trying to reach has been blocked. Please try again later."

Ryder stared at the screen in disbelief. Noah had blocked him. Noah had really cut him off.

He shoved the phone back in his pocket, his frustration bubbling up. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. He had thought Noah just needed time, that eventually, they could go back to how things were. But now...now it felt like everything was slipping out of his control.

In a haze of desperation, Ryder made his way to Noah’s house. He needed to see him, to explain himself, to make Noah understand that what they had wasn’t meaningless. He didn’t want to lose him, but he didn’t know how to give Noah what he wanted either. It was a maddening, inescapable dilemma.

When he arrived at Noah’s door, he knocked loudly, waiting for an answer. His heart pounded as the seconds stretched on in silence. He knocked again, more urgently this time. But no one came to the door.

Ryder’s frustration grew. "Come on, Noah. Just open the door..." He yelled, his chest tightening with every second that passed. He knocked a third time, harder, and waited, but the house remained still and quiet.

Then, after a few more moments, two security guards approached from the end of the hallway. Their stern expressions made it clear why they were there.

"Sir, you need to leave," one of them said firmly, crossing his arms over his chest. "You’re being complained about disturbing and making a scene."

Ryder looked at them, bewildered. "What the hell? I’m just here to talk—"

"Mr. Noah requested that no one disturb him. That includes you," the guard interrupted coldly. "Now, leave, or we’ll have to escort you off the property."

Ryder opened his mouth to argue but stopped himself. His shoulders slumped in defeat as reality sank in. Noah really didn’t want to see him. He had been shut out completely.

Without another word, Ryder turned and walked away. As he walked down the street, his mind churned with a thousand thoughts. He had given Elijah the address like he promised, fulfilling the request that had brought him here in the first place. But now...what did he have left?

He had never meant to hurt Noah. He had never meant to lead him on. But he had done exactly that. Maybe Noah had seen something in him that he couldn’t see in himself.

What if I could love him? The thought flickered through his mind, and Ryder immediately shoved it away. No, that wasn’t him. He didn’t do love. He didn’t believe in it. But then why did his chest ache every time he thought of Noah’s face? Why did it feel like something had shattered inside him the moment Noah blocked his number?

Ryder stopped in the middle of the street, looking up at the sky. The stars twinkled faintly above. He ran a hand through his hair, exhaling sharply.

Maybe he was just scared. Scared of giving his feelings a name. Scared of what would happen if he let himself love Noah. Because once you named it, once you gave it meaning, it became real. And if it became real...it could be lost.

But as much as he tried to tell himself that he was better off without love, that he was better off keeping things simple and detached, a small part of him—a part he wasn’t ready to admit—wondered if maybe, just maybe, he had already lost something far more important.

Something that wasn’t as simple as just walking away.